2019 has been an incredible year for the Clifton’s and for Mosaic church, the church plant we joined as a launch team member in late 2017. We’ve seen God form the beginning of a new, local body of believers in Richardson, Texas. We’ve been excited and thanked God, prayed, hoped and dreamed at what God might do and he’s already delivered in many ways. At the same time, we’ve seen our share of loss and sadness with jobs, babies, sickness and loneliness. It has been so incredibly awesome and hurt so deeply all at the same time!
And these last two weeks (and this year) have continued to show me personally, I really don’t know how to be open and vulnerable with my own wife, let alone the church, and my neighbors. This year I have labored to learn how to simply engage my emotions with God like I have never done before. There has been fruit but it is often hard to see. I want it to move faster.
Over the past 6 to 8 months, my confidence has been building in what God is doing in my own heart as I’ve addressed my own shame and guilt and given it to the Lord. I’ve received affirmation from others in my community at answers around work that I felt were God-given in the midst of a very long, dry season of waiting.
As a result, I have felt that there might be some benefit to the church to hear it as a word of encouragement. And with that, I rushed off to be faithful in what I felt God was calling me to do. And in the midst of it, I stepped on the toes of some others, namely my wife. Actually, I hurt her deeply. I was rude and selfish. At the same time, others (my wife included) were deeply encouraged by my sharing what was on my heart. But my approach was flat out wrong.
It feels like many times we take 1 step forward and then 2 steps back. It is hard to engage my past shame and guilt with a growing confidence in what the Lord is doing. It often brings up new layers of shame and guilt and emotion that I didn’t know I had bottled up deep inside of me. I have cried more in the past year than in a long time. It’s hard to consider this even now, knowing that my default is to suck it up and move on!
In 2020, as I take steps to engage neighbors with the gospel and serve the church, I want my life to be more than a transaction. Our story is so much greater and beautiful when we bring others into that and allow their gifts to complement ours. That is the church. We need each other deeply in order to fulfill his commission on our lives and in our community. We don’t want to just rush off and do it on our own. It won’t be anywhere near as beautiful and it will hurt others instead of build them up.
So for this year, I am considering what it means to engage with the presence of the Lord and trying to spend more time listening and patiently waiting on Him. I am trying to not find the solution, just to delight in who He is knowing He will reveal answers in his time. And, it is so much more fruitful when we are together as the church in this. It’s incredibly fruitful and at the same time hard. Let’s press in and be slow to speak and quick to listen. Take steps to engage with others and pray together. I know one thing, God will move in ways we can’t even imagine. Know that what God is producing, together, will be more fruitful than what we can do on our own.