I’ve been doing my emotional coaching program and recently we’ve been having discussions whether certain instances I’m working through are anger or rage. Anger in its negative form is self-will run riot versus rage which is connected to fear. But I find the most helpful aspect of this work to know the impairment that connects to the emotion. The impairment for fear is control and anxiety. The impairment for anger is depression. The positive movement, the resolving of the negative feelings is a gift and then the resulting positive need is for us to walk in truth and confifedence in who we are meant to be. So, when you are at your worst, essentially, is when you lash out due to the isolation of moving away from relationships and resolution and you begin to walk in the negative aspects. With fear you experience rage and anger the experience is self-will run riot.
The difficult thing that I’m finding is that when I’m in my emotional coaching session is, I want to claim the emotions that are most common to me. In other words, I don’t feel fear or shame. I feel anger, sadness, lonely, hurt, and glad. I don’t think or feel fear or shame or guilt easily. But I know ultimately that my emotional immaturity and default responses are often rooted in fear. Because most of my fear is rooted in fear of failure and fear of rejection. But even more so, it’s ultimately in feelings of shame that says “I am not good enough” or “I am not capable”.
How to Move Past Same
So, how do I move past shame? The hard part, like I mentioned, is dealing with shame when it’s on the surface feeling like anger, sadness, loneliness, or hurt. These are the emotions I relate to but they aren’t directly connected to shame. I don’t regularly relate to fear, shame, or guilt as a feeling, especially when I’m assessing my feelings, on the surface.
But, over time, when we address our feelings and they aren’t resolved, we can begin to observe our history and where our pain comes from. When we acknowledge that most of what is frustrating you is rooted in fear of failure, fear of rejection, and “I’m not good enough” shame, there is work still to be done. It seems that this work of emotional recovery is very deep and there are layers associated to what’s causing particular responses that well up in me.
It seems that what’s happening is I go from believing I’m angry but then find it’s more often rage due to fear that ultimately comes from shame. Haha. Confused yet?
My question is, isn’t everything ultimately rooted in shame? I’m not sure. Is most of what feelings come out of me rooted in fear? I have noticed I should look for feelings of anxiety and this is cognizantly rooted in fear. I need to sit a little longer to feel fear or shame. From a perspective of normally suppressing my feelings, it takes emotional awareness and working to become somewhat emotionally attune before you can really source the root.
For the person who believes they are not good enough, God loves you.
For the person who fears, God helps, He cares, and He protects.
For the person with shame, God is with you, He sees you.
The Prodigal Son Story
It seems like we can point back to the prodigal son story and see where shame is rooted. There are two brothers and thus, two kinds of ultimate ends. One is rooted in “I’m not good enough” -> the older brother, and the other is rooted in a God syndrome, like, “I am good on my own” -> the younger brother.
I relate to the older brother, feeling fear that I’m not good enough. But when the prodigal son returns, if I was the older brother, I would have felt anger. But if we consider what is happening, I would experience a desire to control and internal anxiety. That he was getting what I ultimately wanted, was the Father. Even though I already had the Father’s love and affection.
Steps to Overcome Shame
The best way for me to uncover my feelings as more than what’s on the surface in my weekly checkins, where I mostly list anger, hurt, lonely, sad, guilt, or glad, I must sit and consider if I feel any anxiety or desire to control. And if I do, I might have fear. I might also consider the need to ask God, is there any “fear of failure” or “fear of rejection” currently in me? What am I feeling in relation to this? Is there anything that could be me feeling that “I’m not good enough?” And then ask God to reveal areas where I am.
To move past a feeling of shame is hard to do without consistent work on your emotions and where your past cycles are influencing how you are responding today.
Most of the time it is uncovering the areas of shame and areas of fear by keeping these rooted lies that you tend to believe top of mind. Then work through your emotions on a daily and weekly basis and bring others into those discussions. Not just anyone, but people who are emotionally safe and can attune to you. If you can, you can work with an emotional coach as well. Regardless, steer your heart and mind to where the emotion is rooted and practice releasing them to God through prayer and submission. And then, consider gratitude.