Manic episodes are a tricky thing. Word of caution, never tell someone what they did wrong in their manic episode. Never try to correct someone in a manic episode. As my psychiatrist has told me, I had no control over what happened in the manic episode. And I would have just gotten more angry.
Even still, manic episodes are tailored to a person’s deep seated emotional struggles. They are deeply personal and not prescriptive. With a manic episode there is a chemical reaction in the brain that might have gone wrong but that doesn’t mean a person can’t uncover what emotion triggered a specific result and do their own heart work.
When I think about my manic episode, I connect it to a spiritual high. The Holy Spirit was moving in my life in wonderful ways, allowing me to share the gospel with 6 people in about 6 days, among other things that happened of a charismatic nature. I experienced someone speaking in tongues for the first time and I became aware of a spiritual world that was present in the room I was in, which continued for a few minutes.
When I think about what I could have done different in relation to the spiritual high, I began by letting my mind go where it wanted to go. I acted on pure thoughts, pure meaning that they came to me and I did not question them. I simply reacted to them. And in some cases I took ideas that popped into my head and assumed them to be true, that they would happen in the future as I had predicted. My application was at times wrong.
And when they didn’t happen, it made me and others question. What was happening during much of the manic episode was wonderful but my relational dialogue with my wife was toxic. I felt everything she did was against me. It’s true, she was concerned about me and I thought nothing was wrong. I thought she didn’t like that I was sharing the gospel. If I’m honest, I think she might have been concerned about that but I’m sure it was the way in which I was sharing the gospel. I was more forceful than I often am.
But I would argue that this was not the manic episode, it was me feeling deeply for someone’s need of the gospel and following what I felt I should do to make her know that we care about her.
So first, I presumed upon the future and made applications too quickly.
I want to be cognizant that my mind can play tricks on me. I must test thoughts with God. I don’t need to be in a hurry, I can ask God for him to confirm something.
Second, I just generally wanted to do work on my emotions. I needed to grow in emotional awareness, to be able to regulate myself emotionally and ultimately be able to emotionally attune myself to others. There is a language of emotional fluency that is necessary, particularly for a sensitive man as I am.
I feel things deeply. And I have learned to suppress my emotions.
Can I stop manic episodes? No. Can I prevent them from happening? I’m not sure. I am pretty sure if I continued in the stressors of life that I was in during those episodes I might. Stresses around work. But my psychiatrist said I can’t remove those, I must continue living.
When I told myself I wouldn’t have another manic episode after the first one, I ended up having another one. So, I’ve decided that it’s not worth suggesting that I won’t have another one. In saying that I’m presuming upon the future and I don’t need to do that. I need to practice presence in the moment that I’m in and let God handle the rest.